no. 3: solo sam decorates

well deck the facking halls people, it's officially the christmas season. yes, I know I've been m.i.a for the past two weeks. yes, I know this makes me a loser. no, it will not happen again -- at least as of right now. and I promise to double up on my soloness (did I just make up a new word) this week to make up for it. I'm the ultimate stephen glansberg (look it up). I blame it on the fact that I've been an overly social panda (I hate butterflys, they're powdery and come from a worm -- I'm not buyin what they're sellin) and just didn't have time to fit in alone time. that, or I'm lazy and spent the majority of the past two weeks hungover and incapable of doing anything besides watch an ungodly amount of hours of will & grace. p.s where can I find my own jack?

anywho, I decked my halls this past sunday all by my lonesome. seeing as this is officially my first place (I'm not counting college since mike paid for that shit) I knew I needed to make it as facking merry as possible. I also knew I didn't want to have to sacrifice my first child to pay for said merry-ness, so I did what any red-blooded american girl (aw I miss those creepy/amazing dolls) would do -- I went to target. I got my tinsel, random signs that said 'ho' (I couldn't resist the slutiness of it all), mini trees, lights, and $4 wine.

let me also disclaim this, this was an unexpected solo adventure seeing as I was supposed to have help (cough roommate decorating ditcher cough). I popped in 'christmas vacation' (obviously), lit my pine scented candle, stuck a straw in my wine and got to work. I kind of felt like will ferrel in 'elf' -- more attractive though, of course -- as I was busy hammering (don't ask) and assembling. an hour and a bra change later (who knew turning 1000 square feet in to a scene straight out of the north pole induced sports-like sweat?) my work was complete and looked so damn cute I could barely deal. and not surprising, I almost shed a tear. more because of the fact that I love the holidays, straight up swimfan obsessed with them, so I was so happy to have some christmas cheer surrounding me. literally does the holidays make anyone else cry? don't even think about turning on 'step in to christmas' by queen elton unless you want a 5'2 out of shape girl in a heap at your feet. overall though, it was great and I actually really loved going it alone. I didn't have to share my cheap wine with anyone and I had no one judging me as I recited every single one of clark's lines.

things I learned:
1) if you hit your elbow on the corner of your $10 ikea shelf whilst holding a hammer your entire arm will in fact go numb ... for an unusually long time ... causing you to panic and plan out the rest of your life as a one-armed person because it surely will have to be amputated. 'ohmygod I'll never find anyone to marry me!'
2) if you are about to fly off the top of the couch while hanging lights just grab on to the cheap blinds and scale down them like a cat until you land safely on the floor.
3) every time I've ever said wine is wine, $4 or $40, I was wrong. $4 wine is shit. what the hell is cranberry fall harvest wine supposed to even taste like anyways?
4) don't hold a match upright immediately after lighting it as it will rapidly burn the rest of said match and spread to your undersized hand quicker than you can say, "holy fack I'm on fire!' also, don't throw said firey match on the carpet -- my bad. I did get it down after half a pack though. rest assured.

shitty harvest pumpkin christmas wine cheers, y'all!

side note, I tried my damnedest to take pictures of my handy work but they all turned out looking like helen keller took them. I really think the beauty just can't be captured with a dumb iphone, it's too epic. and plus, I couldn't make my hair look ungreasy anyways, even with filters. so I'll chalk that up as a loss, but maybe if I'm feeling ambitious I'll take photos with my real camera and post them. we'll just play that one by ear. instead, I leave you with this.