... and when I say buy I really mean lease. buying a car is literally the dumbest decision one could make. maybe even dumber than that time I drunkenly decided I was going to pierce my face. actually, that wasn't dumb at all. I take it back. but buying a car really is dumber than jenelle on teen mom. there's your financial reasons of course, but the biggest factor which will forever keep me as a lease girl is the fact that I get bored easily. boyfriends, cars, hairstyles, being a normal member of society -- you name it, I have a short attention span for it. so my trusty car salesman gave me a little ring right before nye to tell me he could get me in to a new car sooner than I expected. and since I'm the most impulsive and impatient person in the history of the world, I immediately decided my current car was the worst thing ever and I needed to get rid of it immediately.
I've leased all three of my past cars with my fathers guidance -- and when I say guidance I really mean he did everything, I just stood there and contemplated between white or black. this time however, dear old dad ditched me to go to the rose bowl (whatever) and as previously insinuated, I have a bit of a veruca salt mentality going on -- 'but I want it noooow!' -- so I said fack it and decided I couldn't wait for him to get home and I'd handle the situation on my own.
first things first, I called my main sales bff and said, 'listen carl, I need you to get me in to a new car immediately and I need it to be for a rock bottom price. no, you listen! I'm not taking no for an answer.' ok that didn't happen at all actually. I was drunk on wine and called him at 2:00 a.m. and left some slurred nonsense voicemail about how my cruze and I are so last year. regardless, dear old carl called me back the next day (bless his soul for actually doing so) and I made an appointment for 30 minutes later. I contemplated for all of five seconds on what a single girl should wear car shopping -- there's such a stigma with car salesman and women, ya know? -- and then decided I didn't give a shit and put on something androgynous (maybe I'd fool him in to thinking I was a boy so he wouldn't give me the run around).
after catching up with carl the salesman and looking at all of the photos from when he was a professional boat racer (?) it was time to get down to business. and business took all of about 30 minutes. the most difficult decision, as it always is, was black or white. I'm almost shocked that carl didn't smash my face in to the high-tech stereo (radio? what's it called these days? I don't think stereo is correct though ...) since I changed my mind no less than five times -- 'black!! wait, no white. well wait. I don't want people thinking I'm discriminatory, let's go black! er, I actually hate black cars. white it is!' so 30 minutes, 76 eye rolls, and 800 signatures later, I was scheduled to take delivery on my brand spankin' 2014 malibu in two days.
after the longest.two.days.ever -- I felt like I was waiting for my scheduled c-section -- I picked up my white ride in a snow storm and kissed carl goodbye for another two years. and the best part of it all was that I did everything entirely on my own. I picked it out, I negotiated the price -- three claps for me -- I was able to lease it myself, and I didn't have to ask my daddy boy for one ounce of help. the whole process kind of made me feel like a real grown-up (I always wondered when that would kick in) and I was so proud of myself for being such an awesome, androgynously dressed, grown-up.
things I learned:
1) professional trick boat racing is a real thing and professional trick boat racers have 'a realllll good time.'
2) don't let the carl's of the world fool you in to paying $500 extra for black paint. who's discriminatory now, chevy?
3) ask your elderly grandparents for their coveted gm discount code way earlier in the car shopping game so that you don't have to push delivery back two full days all the while causing you to have minor anxiety attacks for said two days. speaking of which, I need to look in to that xanax script ...
4) don't leave one of your most favorite black boots in your old car so that it is never to be seen again. I'm still not over the loss.
5) car insurance is expensive. really expensive. I was genuinely shocked when I heard I'd have to organize obtaining insurance before picking up my precious new car. what is this, communist russia?
p.s. I didn't take any pictures of my new car or of carl or of us in the car discussing life and love because I'm not a 16 year old pubescent teen getting their first car. if you so happen to give two shits about what my new car looks like, you can google it.
sober car shopping cheers, y'all!
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